Transparency

I’m all about being open – at work, at home and with friends. Being direct allows me to say what needs to be said, to get things off my chest. Being transparent allows me to open up my emotions.

It’s taken almost a week to write this post, which is highly unusual since I love to write. Since Thursday, I have wanted to but finding the right words has been a challenge. This afternoon, during my me-time run at lunch, it all came together.

Allow me to back up a bit: A few Saturdays ago, I changed my registration for Road2Hope from the full to the half marathon. Other than a horrible long run, I wasn’t really sure what drove my decision. Work was becoming busier, the boys were needing a lot of “mommy-time” and I was feeling a bit panicked about being able to log the miles in the last weeks of training. But, deep down, I knew there was something else….

And, backing up a bit further: When Skipper had his brain tumour removed 5 years ago, we were prepared for the possibility of a learning disability developing. All of his MRI’s have been fine and he has been doing well at school so Daddy and I have had no concerns.

Last year, though, something started to nag at me – something that only a mother can see. Skipper, as conscientious as he is, seemed unfocussed; it was taking him a lot of time to get his work done; he fretted about school.

And, this year, in grade 5, he has had many late nights – too many for a nine year old – working diligently to get things done and doing quite well. He has been busy with choir and piano, swimming and cycling. For the most part, he has been a happy almost-10 year old. But, still, something was bothering me.

Last week, we finally saw the specialist we were referred to in July – the referral stemming from my Mommy-sense. I fully expected a diagnosis for inattentiveness. Instead, I got this:

1. a diagnosis for an Anxiety Disorder
2. confirmation that there are other obvious concerns, tied in with attention. A neuro-psychological assessment is recommended.

And, now I understand why I bailed on the full marathon at the beginning of October. I had recognized that Skipper was anxious about school, but I hadn’t quite realized that he was stressed about life in general. Somehow, I knew that he would need me around more as the demands of the school year piled. Now I see that my mommy-sense was the driving force behind my decision around Hamilton. And, thank goodness that it kicked in when it did.

On the positive side, we now have a diagnosis so we can work with Skipper’s stresses in a positive way. Our annual appointment at SickKids is on Monday so the timing of the diagnosis and recommendations is perfect; hopefully, they can do something to help us.

And this had led to a new decision for me: to make “me-time” during the work day. Our lunch break is just long enough to get in a quick 5 miles; today was my first and it felt great. And, you should have seen me smile tonight when the rain came down and my run was already out of the way. By moving my run to lunch, I have been able to alleviate some of the panic that I’ve been feeling when I can’t run at night; by moving my run to lunch, I am able to give that time to my boys.

Transparency….If you have read until here, you may now also see why I haven’t been keeping up with reading and commenting on your blogs and writing my own. I’ve been preoccupied. That will change – soon.

Transparency.

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10 comments

  1. Thank you so much for sharing these sentiments. I can't count the number of times when I was “in training” that I had to choose between family and running, as if there ever should actually BE a choice! I admire your Mommy-sense, as well, but what I admire the most is that you LISTENED to it, instead of negotiating it down to something less serious. Thoughts and prayers go out to your son, but he'll be JUST FINE….he's got an awesome mommy standing behind him…

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  2. Mommy-sense is a powerful thing. I hope the appointments with your son go well and you're able to get some ideas on how to help him.
    Good job for getting your run in over lunch! Yay for you!

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  3. Mom's are the smartest beings on earth 😉
    I need to write a new blog entry on mine regarding some newly discovered medical condition and my future running plans but I can't seem to get the words out. I know how you felt!
    Good luck on Monday!

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  4. Between spider sense and Mommy sense, your household covers the spectrum.
    Your kids are lucky to have their own superMom always protecting them. I hope Skipper's appointment gives you more answers.
    As for your Me-Time run, seems to be exactly what you need.

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  5. I'm glad you were able to find out what was the matter with Skipper. I know it is still hard, but knowing somehow makes it easier, then you can make a plan and make progress. Thank you for sharing, it helps to hear how other people's Mommy-senses have helped them out and how they are dealing with it all and still fitting in Me-time! Good-luck with it all!

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